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The second part of the step 4 inventory is meant to address our fears. I have found that this sheet is both an extension of the resentment sheets where we marked down our fears, as well as a way to process fears that do not necessarily have resentments linked to them.
My interpretation of the Big Book suggests there are 5 columns:
- List of my fears.
- Why did I have them?
- Where was my reliance?
- When I relied on myself, was it working?
- Say the fear prayer.
Our instruction in the book is to pull the fears from our resentment list as well as identify any other fears we have. I have an irrational fear of spiders and being hit by a car or bus. I will add these to my example inventory.
My sponsor, LC, taught me to add a column after the fear prayer to help me to connect to the meaning, so you will see 6 columns on my sample sheet.
Once again I am working down the page instead of across because this is also meant to be a series of lists.
Column 1
I copy my fears from my resentment sheets by looking at what I wrote down for “Frightened”. I also write down any fears/phobias I have not already listed.
Column 2
I consider and write down why I have the fear. It is best to keep this short so I don’t get caught up in negative thinking.
Column 3
I ask was I relying on my finite self or my infinite higher power. In the past I have written that I was relying on my higher power for some of my fears, but in hindsight I can see that I may have been trying, but because I still had the fear, I was actually relying on myself.
This column may uncover another roadblock if you are still struggling with a higher power. If I have conceded that I am powerless in step 1, then I am agreeing that my “power” resource is limited or tapped out. Therefore I have a finite amount of power. Turning my will over to a higher power means that I believe there is something out there that has infinite power. I feel column 3 is one of the places where I learn the difference between what I have power over and what I don’t.
Column 4
I ask myself if my reliance worked. I reiterate, if a fear has made it on your list, that means you still have the fear. If you have the fear you were relying on yourself and it didn’t work … as evidenced by the fact that the fear made it to your inventory.
Saying I relied on myself and it did not work is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of people rely on themselves for stuff that doesn’t work all the time. Doing this just makes us human. The Big Book says we do not need to apologize for relying on a higher power. History has shown us that people of faith end up being powerful, not weak.
Column 5
Say the fear prayer. Make this a statement if you prefer. The precise wording from the Big Book is “We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be.” (page 68).
When I say the prayer I modify the wording to personalize it by incorporating whichever fear I am addressing.
Example 1 – Please remove my fear of spiders, and direct your attention to what you would have me be.
Example 2 – Please remove my fear of what Lena has said about me and direct my attention to what you would have me be.
Column 6
I have found that I do not immediately begin to outgrow fear the way the Big Book says we will. I find I need a bit more work. The forms from oabigbook.info have the 6th column to write down what our higher power would have us be. I will state again that this is not expressed in the book, but this is a great exercise, so I encourage you to try.
When my sponsor first introduced me to this idea, he noticed that I kept writing down things like “say my prayers” and “speak up”. He explained that I was saying things that I “should do” which is different from “being”. This is a difficult exercise for someone like me. I’m a “fixer”, so I want to DO SOMETHING.
Another member, who was also in AA and knew the Big Book a billion times better than me pointed out a passage in the chapter “The Family Afterward”. The authors of the Big Book say “We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free.” (page 133).
I find that the definitions between happy and joy (joyous) are not that different, but I was given an explanation from a Non-OA mentor that helped me differentiate the two. “Happy” is derived from external factors, such as finding the best parking spot or my son getting good marks. “Joy” is derived from internal factors and is not affected by external happenings. I find joy in helping others with the OA program, whether they recover or not, for example. My heart might hurt for them if they don’t recover, but I am joyfully willing to try as long as they are.
When I fill out this column I try to write things like:
Example 1 – Spiders – Happy they eat other bugs. Joyous that I have courage to deal with the ones I see. Free of the debilitating fear I used to have (I still have some fear and extreme creeped-out-ness about them, but I am a long way from where I was).
Example 2 – Lena – I can be happy that my coworkers are getting to know me better; joyous that I am a person of integrity, and free of the belief that everyone has to like me.
I don’t always use happy, joyous and free, but I am careful that my statements say things like “be honest”, “be loving” and “be firm”.
I don’t know that I commence to outgrow fear right away doing it this way, but it does give me a new perspective and focus. The deeper my fear around something, the more work I put towards focusing on how I should “be” instead.
I have filled out my example in the picture below.
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