“We generate fears while we sit. We overcome them by action.” – Dr. Henry Link
I have observed that the longer I allow my head to twirl around on an uncomfortable topic, the bigger the issue gets.
In my household most of the house cleaning falls to me. I have felt that the workload is not balanced between my spouse and I. For years I worked myself into a tizzy trying to manage a fulltime job, motherhood and the majority of household chores. I would sometimes complain, but more often I just felt angry and hurt and too scared to say anything. My focus was on what I thought was the issue, and it just got bigger and bigger, and I would bother me more and more.
This is a pattern I have repeated in my life in every romantic relationship I’ve had. None of those relationships lasted more than 3 years. My partner and I have been married since 2014. I think the reason for our longevity in comparison to my previous attempts is the work I did around my fears. Yes fears, not resentments.
I hate confrontation. I define confrontation as saying anything that the person I am speaking to might not like. Notice that is not the actual definition of the word, but it was the definition I lived my life by. I lived in fear of a person’s negative reaction to something I said or did.
So what happened? I observed that friendships and romantic relationships failed during the first 10 years in OA. By the time they ended I was sick of the person and myself. I hated them for using me, and I hated myself for all the times I did not say something because I was too afraid. When I did inventories I invariably wrote that:
- (Selfish) I wanted the person to be different than they actually were
- (Dishonest) I knew that I should say something but didn’t say anything
- (Self-Seeking) I wanted the person to just “know” they were not being fair or nice and treat me better (regardless of whether or not I was actually treating them well)
- (Frightened) I was afraid that if I said anything they would not want to be in a relationship with me
The longer I stayed quiet, the bigger my fear of speaking up.
When I knew this relationship was headed towards marriage I knew I had to be absolutely certain because I was serious about “till death do us part”. That meant I had to talk about things that bothered me whether I wanted to or not.
My fear didn’t magically disappear overnight or once I said “I do”. I am still uncomfortable saying things I think he will not like, and I hate it when we disagree. But I do not want to get sick of him and myself, I want to do everything I need to do to maintain our relationship, so I keep working on my courage.
We have talked (and talked and talked) about the housework. Through these conversations I have been able to change my attitude and expectations as well as encourage change in him. I was able to diffuse my resentment by getting over my fear of speaking up and having open conversations where I speak AND listen. He was also able to share how some of my behaviors were controlling and how he needed to have clear boundaries and expectations around our housework. Now I am able to value the areas he manages that I don’t have to.
Before recovery I was so afraid to speak up because in my addiction I never felt good enough. I had been abused as a child, so I believe as an adult I chose partners who tended to be users. I did not know if my worst fear would play out or not, and I was not willing to risk it. I was also afraid of being alone.
There is a line in the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) that talks about squandering time that might have been worthwhile. I definitely squandered time back then! I know I spent too much time on relationships that were not healthy and based on mutual respect.
I am still not doing it perfectly, but I try to face my fears through consistent actions like speaking up, asking questions, and being willing to hear negative feedback. Overcoming fear is similar to exercising, it is through consistent work that I get stronger.
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