“We generate fears while we sit. We overcome them by action.”
— Dr. Henry Link
I’ve noticed that the longer I let my mind spin around an uncomfortable topic, the bigger and heavier the issue becomes. It’s like feeding a fear with silence—it grows stronger the longer I avoid it.
The Housework Spiral
In my household, most of the cleaning has historically fallen to me. For years, I juggled a full-time job, motherhood, and the bulk of the chores. I’d occasionally complain, but more often I just simmered in anger and hurt, too afraid to speak up. I focused on what I thought was the problem, and the more I focused, the bigger it got. It consumed me.
This pattern wasn’t new. I’ve repeated it in every romantic relationship I’ve had. None of those lasted more than three years. But my current marriage—since 2014—has endured. I believe the difference lies in the work I’ve done around my fears, not just my resentments.
Redefining Confrontation
I’ve always hated confrontation. For most of my life, I defined it as saying anything someone might not like. That’s not the actual definition, of course—but it was the one I lived by. I feared negative reactions to my words or actions. So I stayed quiet.
What happened? Over my first ten years in OA, I watched friendships and romantic relationships unravel. By the time they ended, I was sick of the other person—and sick of myself. I hated them for using me, and I hated myself for staying silent out of fear.
What My Inventories Revealed
Every time I did an inventory, the same patterns emerged:
- Selfish: I wanted the person to be different than they were.
- Dishonest: I knew I should speak up but didn’t.
- Self-Seeking: I wanted them to magically know they were being unfair and treat me better—regardless of how I was treating them.
- Frightened: I feared that speaking up would end the relationship.
The longer I stayed silent, the more terrifying the idea of speaking up became.
Marriage Meant Facing My Fears
When I realized this relationship was headed toward marriage, I knew I had to be absolutely certain. “Till death do us part” meant I couldn’t keep quiet about things that bothered me. I had to speak up—even when it was uncomfortable.
My fear didn’t vanish when I said “I do.” I’m still uneasy about saying things I think he won’t like. I still hate disagreements. But I don’t want to grow sick of him or myself. I want to do the work to maintain our relationship. That means building courage, one conversation at a time.
Talking Through the Tension
We’ve talked (and talked and talked) about the housework. Those conversations helped me shift my attitude and expectations—and encouraged change in him. By facing my fear of speaking up, I diffused my resentment. I learned to speak and listen.
He also shared how some of my behaviors felt controlling, and how he needed clearer boundaries and expectations. Now, I can appreciate the areas he manages that I don’t have to.
Fear, Addiction, and Recovery
Before recovery, I was terrified to speak up. In my addiction, I never felt good enough. I’d been abused as a child, and I believe I chose partners who mirrored that dynamic. I didn’t know if my worst fears would come true—but I wasn’t willing to risk it. I was also deeply afraid of being alone.
There’s a line in the Big Book that talks about squandering time that might have been worthwhile. I definitely squandered time back then—too much of it on relationships that lacked mutual respect.
Building Courage Through Action
I’ll never be perfect at this. But I try to face my fears through consistent action: speaking up, asking questions, and being open to negative feedback. Overcoming fear is like building muscle—it takes repetition, effort, and time.
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