We sometimes joke in OA saying that when you recover you feel better. You feel anger better, sadness better … etc
When I was abusing food I was able to stuff negative feelings. I never really allowed myself to experience my feelings, good or bad. Without using food to smooth my highs and lows, I felt uncomfortable a lot.
A statement I used pre-OA and for many years after was “I feel fat”. After saying I “felt” fat, I would look at my thighs and stomach and prove to myself that not only did I feel that way, I also looked that way. This continued after I was in recovery, had released more than 100 pounds and had not gained the weight back for 5 plus years. I felt that I was ugly and not good enough because of my body.
To help with my poor self-esteem I applied to a local women’s clinic to become a body image presenter. Once accepted into the program, I took a 12 week course to learn about the subject, why it happens, and the ways to combat it. During the course I learned that fat is not a feeling.
When I say that I feel fat I am actually feeling some type of negative emotion. The course encouraged me to hear myself say the words, then take the time to figure out the actual emotion. I found that I used the statement to cover feelings of shame, rejection, inadequacy, and failure. When I said I felt fat I would start putting myself down instead of addressing the problem that caused the negative emotion. Instead of just feeling embarrassed, for example, I would feel embarrassed and ugly and worthless because I focused on my negative perception of my body.
When I hear myself using the expression now, I figure out the real emotion. Sometimes I am able to just shake it off easily, sometimes I need to talk to someone to address the feelings. If neither of these options work, I put the negative emotion on my step 4 or 10 inventory.
I cannot hold on to feelings of shame, remorse, anxiety and fear. When I say “I feel fat” I am distracting myself from the real issue instead of dealing with it. I am also compounding the original problem with additional negative emotions. These feelings fester and become my reason to abuse food.
I can feel sad. I can feel anxious. Fat is not a feeling.
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