Even though I was an average sized kid I knew the way I ate was not OK because my mom told me so. Repeatedly. From around the age of 8 or 9 she explained that if I continued to eat the way I ate I would be 500 pounds and no one would want to date me. I continued to eat the way I ate despite the threat of never getting into a relationship. I ended up (almost) fulfilling my mom’s prophecy. From an average sized kid, I became a plus sized teen (size 3X by the time I was graduating), and was rarely asked out.
Just after I graduated high school, at about 260 pounds, I tried to join a weight loss system that would have required me to buy their food and cost $75 a week. I was over 18, but still living at home, so I was willing to pay the price. I told my mom about my plan and she talked me out of it. Actually, she made me cancel my registration because she knew I could not afford it even though I was still living at home rent free.
At 280 pounds (a year or so later) I joined a popular weight loss group where I weighed in every week. I got down to about 240 pounds and then stopped losing. After a couple months of going up or down within the same 5 pounds I decided I wasn’t going to waste my money. I also moved out of my parents house and did not have the $10/week required to maintain my membership. I was paying rent, bills, going to university and feeding my addiction.
I maintained my weight for years. Not because I changed my eating habits. I did not always have enough money to get the types of foods wanted. I also was forced to use my bike as a main mode of transportation.
My dateless status came to an end after my first year of university. I wasn’t sure I was interested, but I was sick of being single. As it turns out, the lack of attraction ended up being mutual. Instead of breaking up like well adjusted adults, however, the relationship kind of fizzled out and I was passed to their roommate.
During my last two years of university I moved in with the roommate, still not entirely sure I was interested in them either, but still preferring that to being single. The other benefit was my rent was drastically reduced from apartment living, and we were sharing groceries. Within a short time I started gaining weight because I could get my binge foods. I eventually got back up to 280 pounds, so I re-joined the diet club.
That round I was only able to get down to 260, and eventually dropped out because it was a waste of money when I could not get any lower. Basically the weekly membership cost cut into the money I wanted to use for my foods. I was drinking about a litre of diet soda each day as well as other convenience store junk foods. I didn’t want to waste money on a weight loss program that I could spend on my favorites.
From July of 1997 until July of 1998 I went from about 290 pounds to 300 pounds. The slow weight gain was because I was trying to control my food. I increased my diet soda intake to about 2 litres most days and used my bike for daily transportation.
In July of 1998 I ended my relationship and moved in with my aunt and uncle. My family wanted me to stay with them because the relationship I had been in was abusive and this was a way to help protect me.
I was paying off my student loans and working two minimum wage jobs, so I did not have a lot of extra money, but what I did have went to a gym membership and fast food.
I gained 30 pounds in a few months despite going to the gym 4 times a week.
I knew that when I tried to follow a diet on my own I could not last more than a few days. I knew when I paid money to be in a diet program, I would only lose some weight but would lose my momentum and return to eating junk food despite knowing how to eat better.
When I think back on “why” I ended up in OA, it was only because I hoped to just not gain weight anymore.
At the time I did not know this was the “last house on the block” or that I had “hit bottom”. I did not know I was about to stop the insanity. I could not have fathomed that my world was about to break wide open.
I attended my first meeting in December 1998, and it rocked my world.
As I share my story, I hope you will get a sense of what I did. I didn’t do it all perfectly, in fact I did some things wrong. But, because of my efforts and commitment, I no longer abuse food.
Leave Comment