In my last post, I shared how Step 5 takes courage—and that it is pivotal in recovery. Everything leading up to this point has been self-reflection, but now, it’s time to invite another person in.
That’s what this post is about—how to choose that person.
I once heard an AA speaker joke about Step 5:
“This is stuff I wouldn’t tell a doctor—now you want me to tell a plumber?”
Well, maybe not a plumber, but yes—the Big Book makes it clear:
“We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world.” — Pg. 73
The good news? We’re given some guidance on how to choose the right person for this step.
Who to Consider:
✅ A Trusted Sponsor – Your own, or someone recommended by experienced members.
✅ A Spiritual Advisor – A priest, minister, elder, or guide. Spiritual does not necessarily mean religious.
✅ A Recovered Member in OA or Another Twelve-Step Program – They understand the weight and importance of this step.
✅ A Therapist or Counselor – Ideally, one who supports the twelve-step process. Some professionals may misunderstand or resist its approach.
✅ A Trustworthy Friend – They need to listen without judgment and maintain absolute confidentiality.
The Big Book emphasizes:
“It is important that he be able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at.” — Pg. 74
Who to Avoid:
🚫 Someone who might be hurt by the items in your inventory (Example: Don’t confess infidelity to your spouse as part of this step).
🚫 Someone who does not respect confidentiality.
🚫 Someone who might use your inventory against you.
🚫 Someone who doesn’t understand or approve what you’re trying to do.
🚫 Someone who pushes advice instead of listening.
Lessons from My Own Experience
During my first few years in OA, I shared my inventories with:
- My sponsor
- A recovered OA member
- A close friend who could listen without giving advice
Each experience helped me hold onto my recovery through those years.
As I matured, I began taking my inventories only to my sponsor. He understood my history and was able to identify lingering resentments. One particular inventory uncovered something personal that I preferred to share with a woman, so I found a woman instead.
At one point, I tried to give my inventory to a friend who was interested in OA but not in the fellowship. Since I had a positive past experience sharing with a friend, I thought it would be fine—but it wasn’t. My inventory included struggles she was still working through, and she seemed to need more help processing it than I did. I thanked her, made a mental note not to do that again, then I went and found an OA member instead.
On another occasion, I shared an inventory with a therapist. This was a negative experience, but I don’t paint all professionals with the same brush. I assumed she understood twelve-step programs, but her interpretation of Step 5 was completely different from mine. She disliked that my inventory focused only on my part, believing I was being too hard on myself. But for me, this process was tough love, not self-punishment.
I thanked her, decided that in the future I’d confirm alignment before working with another therapist, and found someone in OA to hear my inventory.
Before meeting with the OA member to reshare my inventory I made sure I added my interaction with the therapist to it, which looked like this:
- I was frustrated with her.
- I didn’t feel comfortable continuing my work with her.
- I worried that I had unintentionally misrepresented the inventory process.
Final Thought
Overall, my experiences with Step 5 have been positive, but they’ve also taught me valuable lessons.
The only time I didn’t carefully consider who I shared my inventory with was my first sponsor. As I mentioned in my last post, I was a people-pleaser—I gave it to her because I thought I was supposed to, not because I had thought it through. I was blessed in that circumstance, she knew exactly what her role was, and helped me get clarity.
Choosing the right person for Step 5 is critical—they must be able to:
- Hold space for your vulnerability
- Offer wisdom and insight but refrain from giving advice
- Maintain absolute confidentiality
Their role in this process can be the difference between moving forward in recovery—or staying stuck.
My next post will be about how to share your inventory.
Leave Comment