“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.” Page 69
When I fill out the lists for columns 3 and 4 of the conduct inventory, I am working from a perspective that I am human and imperfect. I don’t embrace the fact that I make mistakes, but I do accept that I make them. This is the angle we need to approach this inventory so it can be helpful to us, rather than causing ourselves more harm.
The reason I am taking my time explaining how I approach this inventory, and in particular this column, is because I observe that we carry old negative beliefs into the questions in columns 3 and 4. If I bring my old beliefs to the question of where I aroused bitterness, suspicion and jealousy, my inclination will be to say I’m a huge jerk and a downright awful person. I feel compelled to explain and reiterate the need for an objective review. This inventory hits me where I live if I let it. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on my approach.
I already bring poor self esteem and a low sense of worth into most of my interactions with the world. A part of me knows I am feeding myself a bunch of garbage, and is rebellious, but the bigger part of me sincerely believes it. I observe this to be true of most of the people I mentor through the steps.
Now at column 4, I am supposed to ask myself “where was I at fault?”.
Roadblock
Most people do not want to admit their mistakes, so this question may feel accusatory and confrontational.
As if that was not enough, we may have listed people who may have been our abusers.
Without perspective, it is offensive. The point of the inventory process is to get perspective…for me especially it was about getting a new or clear understanding. I needed to learn how not to be stuck in victim thought patterns even when I had been victimized.
This inventory is not meant to blame someone who has been victimized for the abuse they suffered. Not ever.
This work has helped me to put shame to rest, find belief in my abilities and make better decisions. Sometimes my “better” decisions were little more than a better quality of mistake, but it was certainly progress.
Once again I point out that the Big Book was written by alcoholics who were predominantly Caucasian male. I think this part of the book would have been written differently if, at least, more alcoholic women had a voice simply because their experiences would have been different. I am not saying Caucasian men are never victimized. In fact, of the first 100 who took part in writing this book, statistically some of them had to have been abused in some way. I doubt they felt comfortable saying anything given the expectations of men in the 1930s.
Column 4 – Approach – Where was I at fault?
In many of his Big Book Study talks, the author of OABigBook.info explains that a kid wasn’t at fault when they were being bullied at school. The problem is 20 years later, that kid is now an adult and they continue to live out the bullying in their minds. He points out how we are stuck in the negative thoughts and now are hurting ourselves.
Before working through the 12 steps I carried the belief that…
- I wasn’t good enough.
- I was smart but didn’t use my brain.
- At best I was pretty for a fat girl.
- I was not worthy of the good stuff in life (mostly centered around getting a man).
I carried these beliefs for many years. I still struggle with them to this day.
For example, my mom didn’t know what to do with 13 year old daughter that weighed as much or more than she did. She was trying to be helpful when she said if I kept eating the way I did I would be 500 pounds and no one would date me. I know my mom loved me. If she knew those words would stick with me, become a “fact” in my brain and the center point of my low self esteem she wouldn’t have said them. I know because she and I talked about it when I was an adult and she told me she regretted it and that it wasn’t true. And yet, here I am almost 20 years after that talk still carrying that belief in my mind in relation to my husband.
So when someone like Lena started undermining me and talking behind my back I felt indignant but also believed that I somehow deserved it. It’s a weird and terrible way to go through life. I am stuck enough in old thought patterns that make me believe I am less than and somehow deserve bad things happening to me. While I feel like I deserve it, I’m resentful and use it as my excuse to abuse food
My approach to this column is to not just look at an action I may have taken, but also to look at the thoughts and beliefs I have dancing around in my head.
Where was I at fault with Lena? Before she had to go on leave I saw the ways she was undermining me at our weekly team meetings. I didn’t know she was maligning me behind my back, but I knew how she was trying to undermine my authority almost daily.
Where was I at fault with The Ex? I saw red flags but didn’t believe in myself enough to leave sooner.
Where was I at fault with my son? I have catered to his anxiety therefore making it worse at times. I take his actions personally when it is really just how his brain works and has nothing to do with me. I believe my “best” isn’t good enough, and don’t acknowledge that I am trying to do better to understand what is happening neurologically.
The lists in this column should not be a compilation of “I suck. I stink. I am a terrible person and it’s all my fault.” That will not bring about recovery. Instead it will bring about an aversion to looking inward.
Sometimes I am mean spirited and say mean things. I am human. Humans are not perfect. I face these head on so I can address and change my behaviors.
In the next post I will explain how I answer “what I should have done instead”.
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