Understanding the Difference Between Me and My Addiction
I believe one reason I have experienced recovery from compulsive eating is because I have always seen my addiction as a negative entity. It is not a part of me that needs nurturing or gentle care.
I, as a person, absolutely need nurturing and care.
My addiction does not.
The Gorilla Metaphor
I once heard a speaker describe returning to their addiction as being like dancing with a gorilla. You get to choose when the dance begins, but you do not get to choose when it ends.
That image has stayed with me because it reflects the truth of compulsive eating. Once I start, I lose the ability to stop on my own.
The Illness of Mind and Body
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous refers to addiction as an illness of mind and body. My mind cannot let go of the idea of abusing food and constantly searches for ways to recreate the pleasure my body gets from trigger foods and compulsive behaviors.
This is my reality when I start eating my addictive foods or engaging in compulsive patterns. The pleasure becomes shorter and shorter, followed by longer and more painful periods of self‑demoralization. No diet, no amount of exercise, and no pep talk could stop me from chasing that fleeting hit of pleasure.
Why I Could Not Treat My Addiction Gently
If I had viewed my addiction as anything other than a mindless beast singularly focused on getting and abusing food, I do not think I could have been as tough with it as I needed to be.
If I had seen it as a wounded inner child or a part of myself needing love and attention, I would have felt compelled to be gentle with it. That gentleness would have given my addiction room to grow.
Choosing Firmness and Clarity
I removed my binge foods and behaviors with firm ruthlessness. I did not allow myself any justification to return to the foods I knew I was addicted to.
In my mind, going back to those foods felt as harmful and misguided as intentionally doing something to hurt a good friend. That clarity helped me stay abstinent.
Living Mindfully to Stay in Recovery
To remain in recovery, I actively work the steps so I can live mindfully. Mindful living gives my brain the time it needs to process stressors, both good and bad, and then make effective decisions about how to respond.
When I need nurturing, I now have the clarity to know that food will not help. My recovery depends on recognizing that my addiction is not a part of me to soothe, but a force to keep firmly in check.
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