27 – Step 4 – Resentment Sheet – Column 5

✨ Guiding Statement

Note: There are many approaches to completing a Fourth Step inventory. I choose to follow the instructions outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my understanding, and this is the method I use when mentoring others. The purpose of Step 4 is to uncover the patterns, resentments, fears, and behaviors that create turmoil in our lives—and ultimately lead us back to food abuse. This step is about facing truth with courage and compassion.

Working Through My Inventory: A Column-by-Column Reflection

If you’ve been following my posts in order, you’ll know that I approach my inventory as a series of lists. I begin with column 1 and work my way down through my resentments, anxieties, sadness, and other emotional burdens. Once I’ve completed that list, I move to column 2 and list the reasons why I carry the resentment. If I need to add more to column 1 later, I follow the same method—completing column 2 accordingly. Then I move on to column 3.

Column 4: A Pause for Reflection

Column 4 is where I pause and consider how these negative feelings have impacted me. When I reflect on my resentments—toward Lena, the mental health system, and the label “I’m fat”—I recognize how deeply these emotions are hurting me. I say a prayer or a commitment statement to help shift my mindset and see these situations differently.

Column 4 becomes a series of checkmarks—indicating which resentments I feel ready to release. Letting go of resentment doesn’t mean I’m ready to forgive; it simply means I’m willing to stop carrying the emotional weight.

When Letting Go Isn’t Easy

Sometimes, even after saying the prayer multiple times for a person or situation, I find I’m still not ready to release the anger or pain. However, my goal is to complete Step 4 without delay. So I move on to column 5, while staying mindful of when my thoughts drift back “there.” I actively work to redirect my thinking toward letting go.

In my example inventory, I’ve used an orange highlighter to mark the areas where I’m not quite ready to release resentment. These are situations I’m currently facing daily. Each time they arise, I feel anger, powerlessness, overwhelm, frustration, and loss. There’s no space for the feelings to mellow. In real life (January 2023), I’m praying about this daily—sometimes many times a day.

Column 5: Looking for My Own Mistakes

Now we arrive at column 5. The instruction is to refer back to our lists and “resolutely” look for our own mistakes. 

Definition of resolutely: “In an admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering manner.”

“Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.  Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s.” — Big Book, p. 67

At meetings, I often hear members say this column is about identifying “our part.” But I interpret the instructions differently. When I look for “my part,” I’m still implying that “they” have a part too. To truly move beyond resentment and stop hurting myself, I need to put their part out of my mind and focus solely on what I did wrong.

Understanding Our Wrongdoings

We’re asked to examine where we’ve been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened. While I’m comfortable with these terms, I’ve noticed that many people I work with are not. We tend to be self-critical, and these words can reinforce that tendency. So I’ve included definitions and perspectives to help clarify how I interpret the writers’ intentions.

Selfish

Definition: Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking one’s own advantage or pleasure without regard for others.

Perspective: Wanting a person or situation to be different isn’t inherently bad—especially if harm is involved. But I hurt myself when I refuse to accept reality, waste hours worrying, or drag others into the situation through complaining or gossiping.

Dishonest

Definition: Characterized by a lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness.

Perspective: Dishonesty shows up in obvious ways—like telling lies—but also in subtler forms: staying silent when I should speak, or holding unrealistic expectations. When my expectations clash with reality, I get stuck. I’m also dishonest when fear keeps me from saying what needs to be said.

Self-Seeking

Definition: Selfishly advancing one’s own ends; prioritizing personal welfare over others.

Perspective: I often use the word inconsiderate when discussing self-seeking, especially with sponsees. Language has shifted since the Big Book was written, and today we tend to use selfish and self-seeking interchangeably—even though they originally carried distinct meanings. While they may look similar on the surface, self-seeking often involves subtly manipulating situations to serve our own emotional needs. It’s not just about wanting something—it’s about maneuvering to get it.

My sponsor, LC, once described self-seeking as “looking for myself in others.” That phrase didn’t fully resonate with me for years, but I’ve come to understand what he meant: it’s the tendency to seek emotional fulfillment externally—through people, reactions, or circumstances—rather than through self-awareness or spiritual growth.

Frightened

Definition: Feeling fear; made to feel afraid or anxious.

Perspective: I’m usually afraid that things won’t go the way I hope, that someone will react poorly, or that the discomfort will never end.

So What’s the Point?

This list places me at the center—not in a self-absorbed way, but in a way that helps me uncover the behaviors and thought patterns causing me pain. Column 5 isn’t a tool for self-punishment. It’s a tool for analysis, healing, and moving beyond resentment.

Conclusion: Courage in the Columns

Working through these columns has been a process of deep honesty—one that asks me to look inward with both courage and compassion. Each step has peeled back layers of pain, resistance, and misunderstanding, revealing the patterns that keep me stuck in resentment and emotional turmoil. Column 5, in particular, has challenged me to take full ownership of my reactions to life—not to shame myself, but to liberate myself.

This inventory is not about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort, to name it, and to begin the work of letting go. I don’t always feel ready, and sometimes I have to pray the same prayer a dozen times before I feel even a flicker of release. But I keep showing up. That’s the commitment.

In my next post, I’ll be diving into the fear inventory—another layer of Step 4 that reveals how fear shapes our decisions, relationships, and self-perception. If resentment is the fire, fear is often the fuel. And just like resentment, fear deserves to be named, understood, and dismantled.

Thanks for walking this path with me. Let’s keep going—one column, one prayer, one truth at a time.