✨ Guiding Statement
Note: There are many approaches to completing a Fourth Step inventory. I choose to follow the instructions outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my understanding, and this is the method I use when mentoring others. The purpose of Step 4 is to uncover the patterns, resentments, fears, and behaviors that create turmoil in our lives—and ultimately lead us back to food abuse. This step is about facing truth with courage and compassion.
If You Haven’t Already, Read Post 25
25 – Step 4 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 1 lays the groundwork for this post. If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend starting there—this one will make much more sense in context.
How Do I Live Free of Resentment?
“We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.” — Big Book, p. 66
In my previous post, I shared the backstory of why “Lena” was on my resentment list. It’s a powerful example of justifiable anger—of being hurt and knowing it wasn’t imagined. Many of us have been victimized, and our anger feels valid. But then we read that “the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill.” That’s a hard truth. These resentments must be mastered.
Roadblock: Owning vs. Blaming
If you’re offended by the idea that the pain caused by someone else is somehow your responsibility, you’re not alone. I was, too. The word “fancied” felt dismissive. I had to shift my understanding—this isn’t about blaming the victim. It’s about owning the pain we continue to carry.
My longtime sponsor, LC, uses a schoolyard bullying example:
At age 10, being bullied is not your fault. But at 30, if you’re still replaying those moments, the pain is now self-inflicted. That’s the difference between owning and blaming. Lena was on my inventory before she left work, but I had clear evidence of how she poisoned my workplace against me. Still, if I want to live free of addiction, I must own the pain I’m causing myself.
Seeing Others as Spiritually Sick
The Big Book suggests we view those who’ve harmed us as spiritually sick. I’ve expanded that in my own practice to include mental illness, untreated addiction, brokenness—or simply being human.
I Don’t Have to Like Them
Let me be clear: I don’t have to like them. I don’t have to embrace them. I just need to see that they may not be well.
I once gave away an inventory to a woman unfamiliar with the Big Book. She told me I was being judgmental by calling someone spiritually sick. If that label feels harsh to you, please keep reading. The intention is compassion, not condemnation.
On page 67, we’re reminded that they, like us, were also sick. This isn’t about forgiveness—it’s about letting go of anger. Some actions are unforgivable. That’s okay. Forgiveness is not required to release resentment.
OMHP – Now I Have to Pray?!
You’ll see the phrase “we asked” repeatedly in the next few pages. Each time, it’s an invitation to pause and speak to your Higher Power (HP). Whether you call it prayer, request, or conversation, the sentiment is the same.
We’re asked to cheerfully grant the wrongdoer patience, tolerance, and pity—just as we would a friend who was physically ill. As my best self, I wouldn’t lash out at a friend with cancer or a broken leg. The same principle applies here.
If the wording doesn’t resonate, change it. Stick to the spirit of the prayer. Personally, I say:
“Please let me see them as spiritually sick rather than a jerk.”
That bit of humor helps me let go. They might be a jerk, but I’m choosing compassion.
Column 4: The Prayer Inventory
Column 4 is where we talk to our HP about each resentment. We make a solemn request to release our negative feelings in a way that feels authentic.
Check. Check. No Check.
Here’s how I approach it:
- For Lena:
- “God, please let me see Lena as spiritually sick and not a bi%ch.”
- For “I’m Fat”:
- “Please let me see myself as worthy and the way someone who loves me sees me.”
- For “The Mental Health System”:
- “Please let me have patience with them and myself as I navigate this system.”
I don’t have to like it or them. But I’m working on taking a kindly and tolerant view.
After each prayer, I check in with myself. Am I willing to let go of the resentment? If yes, I mark a ✔️ in Column 4. If not, I move on. Once I’ve gone through the list, I return to the unchecked items and repeat the prayer.
When You’re Not Ready to Let Go
If this is your first time doing Step 4 and you’re holding onto a deep resentment, keep going. Don’t let one unresolved item stall your progress. Double down on the prayer. Stay aware when those feelings bubble up. Pause. Request release. Repeat.
Right now, my husband and I are seeking help for our son. I’ve let go of my anger toward the mental health system—until something triggers it again. A missed call, a delay, and I’m right back in it. Sometimes I pause five or six times a day for 15–30 seconds, asking to be released from the frustration. Then I carry on.
I’m not perfect. Old habits are easier than mindful living. If you slip, grant yourself forgiveness.
Final Thoughts: Resentment Hurts Me Most
I’ll say it again:
I don’t have to like them. I don’t have to like how they affect me. But I do need to be free of my resentment toward them.
- My anger kills me.
- My hurt and shame only hurt me.
- When I retaliate, I feel bad—and then I hate myself.
I need to be free of these feelings so I can stop hurting myself. There’s a direct link between my need to soothe with food and the resentments I allow to run wild in my mind.
For these examples, I’m checking off “Lena” and “I’m Fat.” But “The Mental Health System” remains unchecked—for now. It’s current. It’s unresolved. And that’s okay.
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33 – Conduct – Column 1 and 2 – OA Dandelion
[…] I also look at the resentments where I was not able to put a checkmark in column 4 (26 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 2). If I don’t have a checkmark I know this resentment is one that I am unable to let go of. I […]