25 – Step 4 – Resentments Column 4 Part 1

✨ Guiding Statement

Note: There are many approaches to completing a Fourth Step inventory. I choose to follow the instructions outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to the best of my understanding, and this is the method I use when mentoring others. The purpose of Step 4 is to uncover the patterns, resentments, fears, and behaviors that create turmoil in our lives—and ultimately lead us back to food abuse. This step is about facing truth with courage and compassion.

Working the Inventory: A Deeper Approach

If you’ve been following my posts in order, you’ve seen how I completed the first three columns of my inventory as a set of lists. On my inventory, resentments can include anger and grudges, but they also encompass recurring negative emotions like shame and anxiety.

“When we were finished we considered it carefully.” — Big Book, p. 65

I’ve emphasized the importance of completing each column separately, working down the page. Some people work across the page, and while they may feel relief from sharing their inventory, they often miss two crucial aspects:

• The opportunity to pause and reflect on how their resentments affect them
• The ability to recognize negative patterns and behaviors

If you’ve previously worked across the page, I invite you to try it as a series of lists. It may reveal more than you expect.

From Step 2 to Step 3: Recognizing Self-Will

During the transition from Step 2 to Step 3, I became aware that self-will was a destructive force in my life. I had to open myself to the idea that my response to life—not life itself—was the root of my troubles.

In Post 19 – Hard Truth, I shared an example of stubbornly doing what I thought was helpful, despite my husband’s repeated requests. My intention was good, but my actions caused strife. When I pause to consider the first three columns of my inventory, I see a pattern of conflict in nearly every area of my life—just like that example.

Real-Life Inventory: Lena, Beliefs, and Institutions

In my example inventory, I listed:

• “Lena” (a fictitious name)
• The belief “I’m fat”
• The mental health system as an institution

These are all real examples—some resolved, others still in progress.

Let’s begin with Lena.

The Lena Experience: A Toxic Work Dynamic

I managed the team Lena was on, having been hired after the team was already in place. I earned the position due to my background in training and process improvement, though I lacked property management experience.

Lena believed I was incompetent and told me so during my first week. She was careful not to be insubordinate but consistently challenged my directions and decisions.

Six months in, Lena’s child faced a life-threatening illness, and she took a leave of absence. Despite our strained relationship, I prepared meals for her family and checked in regularly.

After a month, I noticed a shift at work—my team responded better, sought my guidance, and seemed more relaxed. A maintenance manager even said, “You are completely different than what people have said about you.” He quickly realized the weight of his words and didn’t elaborate.

Three months into Lena’s leave, a team member asked to meet privately. She revealed that Lena had been speaking negatively about me behind my back and warned that it might resume upon her return. By then, I had already suspected it.

While Lena was present, she poisoned the environment. Her absence allowed others to see me more clearly and warm up to me.

I didn’t like her—and I was justified.

The First Thing Apparent: My Own Role in the Pain

Before OA, I would never have considered that I was contributing to my own pain, anxiety, or sadness. I would simply label Lena as the problem and move on. Most people would probably do the same.

But this mindset kept me stuck—imaginary arguments, venting to friends and my husband, and endless mental loops.

“It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.” — Big Book, p. 66

I’ve listed my grudges, anxieties, and sadness. I’ve explored why I have them and how they affect me. When I reflect deeply, I must accept that indulging these thoughts is futile and only brings more sorrow.

“…this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal.” — Big Book, p. 66

The Death Threats: Words That Wake Me Up

I’ve praised my sponsor, LC, for helping me see that my food issues were life-or-death. That clarity allows me to read words like grave and fatal and apply them to my own life.

In Step 1, I saw that I was slowly killing myself with food abuse. In Step 4, I see that I’m also harming myself with negative thoughts and emotions—because I use food to soothe, celebrate, isolate, and punish.

Many of my friends in the fellowship do the same.

AA speaker Scott L. calls this section of the Big Book “the death threats.” The words span three paragraphs on page 66:

“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.” — Big Book, p. 66

Breaking Free: The Struggle with Anger

So how do I free myself from anger?

I might say I’m not angry or hurt—but deep down, I am. I might promise not to shame myself or retaliate—but I fall into the same rut again and again.

The Big Book says I’m dominated by my resentments. I’m ruled by my thoughts about others and my perceptions of what they say and do. I must be honest: I allow people, institutions, and beliefs to be the boss of me.

And I’ve fought to be the boss myself—but it hasn’t worked.

This cycle is as draining as addiction. It steals joy and wastes hours in anger, self-pity, stress, and shame.

What Comes Next

These negative feelings must be overcome.

How?

That’s what the next post will explore.