The week that I started abstaining from compulsive eating I noticed that by the time my next meal rolled around I was ridiculously hungry. I am not certain if my level of hunger was due to the fact that I never really allowed myself to feel hunger and I was just not used to the feeling; or if I really was just outrageously hungry.
I started abstaining just after lunch on a Wednesday. I was nervous but did not snack the rest of the day. I ate supper and did not snack that evening. The next three days were awful. Day four was the worst! I think my withdrawal spiked that day. Days five through seven were less awful, but still difficult.
I had been working in a used bookstore that had two locations. On Sundays and Wednesday through Friday I was working at the smaller location on my own. On Saturdays I worked at the big store with my boss and co-workers. This is important because I had a chance to practice being abstinent on Thursday and Friday (days 2 and 3) without anyone eating around me. On that Saturday (day 4), I had my first encounter with people snacking as I was trying to abstain from compulsive eating. I found it easier to abstain from my trigger foods and snacking when I was on my own because I did not have to see or smell other people’s food.
I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. How did I avoid their nighttime snacking? Easy! I worked until 6, didn’t get home until almost 7, ate whatever they left me for supper, and then went to bed around 8:30. Literally, I could not think of anything more fun to do with my evenings than eat junk food, so I just went to bed.
I mentioned that I thought day 4 was my worse because my withdrawal symptoms spiked that day. I don’t know if it is scientifically proven that people experience withdrawal from food, but I know I felt jittery, grumpy and had a headache. I believe we can experience withdrawal from food substances because I was definitely feeling that way!
On that Saturday my boss had an open bag of salt and vinegar chips on the counter, and I swear they were screaming at me. I knew I could not eat them because they were definitely one of my trigger foods, and because I had already eaten lunch.
Instead of working at the front of the store how I normally like to, I swapped with one of my co-workers and stocked shelves. This way I was at the back, away from the chips, and as close to alone as I could be.
It was my night to lock up the store and I had a dinner and shopping date with a friend, so I was in the store alone for about 30 minutes to do the final close and tidy. While waiting for my ride, I noticed that my boss had not finished the chips and had just left the bag on the counter. Of course!
I knew I had at least 10 minutes to wait for my friend to arrive, so I tried to call my sponsor’s pager. I waited 1 or 2 minutes for her to call me back. When the phone did not ring, I went to the washroom in the back of the store and cried. I was feeling the pressure of abstaining, my agitation, my screaming brain and didn’t know how to get rid of those feelings.
I found out later that I entered my callback number as my house number (878) instead of my work number (889). Thank goodness we have call display now!
On that day I learned that food thoughts do pass if I do not act on them, I just need to give myself some space to allow them to pass. I also understand that 1) calling my sponsor and 2) going to the washroom to cry was that moment’s version of going to any lengths to not eat because of a food thought.
Over the years going to any lengths has looked like
- Calling OA members until I reach someone (when #1 does not answer, try #2)
- Not getting off the chair/couch when I have a food thought
- Getting out of my house without my wallet with a focus on getting a new attitude
- Doing an inventory in my head
- Using my various recovery phone apps
When a person is newly abstaining, food thoughts don’t seem to stop, so it is a good idea to have a few ideas of things to do when a food thought strikes. That list needs to be of things that you are actually willing to do. Almost every person I have worked with has said they will call before they eat. Almost none have called before, usually after when they are filled with shame and remorse.
I have talked about how I followed up my first 3 or 4 meetings with a visit to a drive through or convenience store because abusing food was what I knew. When I work with someone I try to explain to them that abusing food is what they know and not to feel shame because shame will keep them stuck in the addiction. I also have difficult conversations where I point out that calling after a binge, having not actually done anything on their list, is continuing the insanity and encourage them to reconsider what they are actually willing to do.
Getting abstinent is tough because we need to get through the steps without abusing food. It is not impossible, just tough. Once we are halfway through step 9 we are promised that our addictive thoughts do not have the same power. My experience is food stopped screaming at me, and when a thought did cross my brain, I was able to dismiss it fairly easily.
I stayed clean from my trigger foods that week, and kept working on the steps.
Make a list of at least 5 things you are willing to do before being compulsive. Don’t start abstaining tomorrow, start right now. If you are too uncomfortable calling a sponsor, go to OA.Org and find the list of online meetings, OA is all over the world – there are meetings 24 hours a day. Do not allow yourself any excuses for abusing.
Yes, you can do this, no matter how many times you may have failed before, no matter how scared you are, no matter what people are eating around you, no matter what anyone says. Yes you can!
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