In the Foreword to the First Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous, nick named “The Big Book” we read that “We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.”
This sentence explains that the alcoholic has a twofold illness; the illness affects their mind and their body. Their mind cannot stop thinking about “it”, and once they get “it”, their body just wants more. I react to food the same way. If I eat specific foods I am not sure if I will be able to stop when I want to. When I do stop, at some point my mind becomes fixated on my various addictive foods, resulting in me caving in and abusing food.
For me, this is more than just not being able to say no to the appetizers and snacks at a party. At times my brain just will not stop. Sometimes it is a specific food thought that just won’t let go; other times it is a random “you know you are going to blow it anyways” thought. Either way, I get fixated on the idea of getting my trigger food(s).
I have friends who say “Oh I can never say no to chocolate”. Except they can. It may be that they can’t say no when it is offered to them at work or a party or in plain sight at home. The “no” comes when they either finish it, hide it or don’t purchase it from the store. It does not seem to take on a life of its own where they need a hit when they have had a bad day, good day, in celebration, out of shame (the list goes on).
On my path to weight loss I joined and followed diet programs on three occasions and I had gym memberships that I actually used. I knew how to eat better and how to live a healthy lifestyle. Despite my knowing better, food became the strongest thought in my brain. Scheming about ways to afford my favorites, ways to get them and making sure no one knew what or how much I was eating. Watching as my body gained all the weight I had lost and more.
This is the seemingly hopeless “mind” portion. I was obsessed with certain foods. I cannot kick the thoughts out of my brain, they just get louder and louder.
Finally I would give in. I would get some peace and ease immediately because my head stopped churning, but then I found that the flavor was so good I just kept on eating. I may have satisfied the initial attack, but get sucked in by my mouth wanting more of that flavor … or another flavor to chase the first, second, third and so on.
Before long I felt too full and bloated. I realized what I had done and started to feel ashamed. Most of the time I was abusing food AND feeling guilty. The guilt only served to fuel more eating.
This is the seemingly hopeless “body” portion. Despite feeling sick and ashamed and knowing better, my body still wanted more, and I continued to stuff food in. The Big Book refers to this as an allergy. An allergy is an abnormal reaction to a substance. Instead of breaking out in hives, my physical reaction was to continue putting food in my body beyond feeling full and despite hating myself while doing it.
What I learned when I started working with my Big Book sponsor was that I could never change my physical reaction. In 1999 I accepted that I was powerless based on the common ground I had with my sponsor and others in the fellowship. It was real to them, and I saw that it was real for me also because I was acting it out every day. I have since taken time to inform myself of food industry practices and observe that my addictive foods are mostly items deemed “highly palatable” which are designed to get people to want more of them so they will buy more, therefore the physical reaction holds scientific merit as well. The difference between myself an a typical eater is the intensity of my response.
The cycle of obsessively thinking about food – eating to satisfy the craving causing food abuse – feeling ashamed fueling more food thoughts and eating would just keep on repeating. This is not rational and I seemed powerless.
Working from the understanding that my body will always respond to some foods and behaviors in an addictive manner, the only thing I can do is address how I think about food in the first place.
The true problem in my two-fold illness is not the fact that my body reacts to food the way it does, the issue is my mind is stuck on the ways I try to control and enjoy my addictive foods.
The purpose of the steps is to how to get my brain unstuck.
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