Differentiating Humility from Humiliation
Before I get to work on Step 7, I want to pause and differentiate humility from humiliation. Sadly, the first six letters are the same, but they are worlds apart in meaning. I feel it’s important to unpack this distinction because misunderstanding it can become a roadblock to recovery—especially when it’s time to make amends.
When I attended my first Big Book Study weekend, the speaker spent a fair bit of time explaining the difference, and I’m grateful he did. These two words are easy to confuse, yet they carry profoundly different emotional weights.
Here’s what I found online:
🌱 What is Humility?
Definition: A quality of being modest, respectful, and free from arrogance.
Key Traits:
- Recognizing your limitations without putting yourself down
- Admired as a virtue—associated with wisdom, grace, and emotional intelligence
Example: She accepted the award with humility, acknowledging the support of her team
Feels like: Quiet strength, grounded confidence, openness to learning
💔 What Does It Mean to Humiliate?
Definition: To cause someone to feel ashamed, foolish, or degraded—often publicly
Key Traits:
- A verb describing an action done to someone else (or sometimes to oneself)
- Involves embarrassment or loss of dignity
Example: He was humiliated when his mistake was pointed out in front of everyone
Feels like: Shame, emotional pain, a blow to self-worth
Wisdom from OA
“In OA, we have discovered that humility is simply an awareness of who we really are today and a willingness to become all that we can be. Genuine humility brings an end to the feelings of inadequacy, the self-absorption, and the status seeking.”
The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, Second Edition (p. 52)
We come to understand that placing ourselves at the top of the heap—or the bottom—creates disharmony with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power.
My Personal Journey with People-Pleasing
I tend to be a people pleaser, bending myself to whatever I think someone needs in the moment. But people-pleasing is no less a form of control than nagging, the silent treatment, criticism, or bullying. The difference is that I try to be nice and placate others—at the expense of my own self-respect. And when things don’t go my way, I end up angry and hurt.
For me to be humble, I have to understand that I’m not worse than the person I’m trying to “please.” And I must resist swinging dramatically in the other direction—using overt controlling behaviors to get my way.
What Humility Looks Like in Practice
Humility is knowing I’m not better or worse than the people around me. It’s recognizing that I have my truth, and you have your truth. It’s understanding that I might be right, but I don’t need to rub your nose in it. And when I make a mistake, I don’t need to be ashamed or put myself down.
I am human. So are you. So is the next person.
🌿 Closing Thoughts
Humility, then, becomes a shift from needing to control outcomes or perceptions to simply being present with who we are. It’s not weakness, and it’s certainly not humiliation. It’s the strength to stand in our truth without shrinking or dominating. As Rick Warren wisely said:
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
Humility invites me to let go of people-pleasing and control, and instead embrace authenticity, grace, and mutual respect. We’re all works in progress—and that’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to honor.
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