My hope is that the last few posts explain how I work through my inventories. I don’t believe my way is the only way, in fact I know it isn’t. I have been effective in changing the way I see things and how I respond and react to life. I would love to tell you that I always “respond” the way I want to, but that would be a lie.
“We got this all down on paper and looked at it.”
We have completed the writing portion of the inventories. Now it is time for more contemplation and prayer. If you are using the sheets from OABigBook.info you will see the conduct prayers are listed in the final columns of the inventory sheet. If you are using BigBookForDummies.com or a notebook, please read from page 69 “In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal…” up to page 70 “…It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.”
When reading in the Big Book I mentally change the word “sex” to “life” or “codependency”. Sometimes it even makes more sense to remove it instead of replacement depending on what challenge I am working on in my life.
At the bottom of page 69 we see the words “we asked” which is the Big Books way of identifying a prayer. This is how I interpret the directions for prayer and contemplation.
- I ask for my ideals to be formed and that I can live up to whatever my ideal turns out to be.
- I ask to remember that my power (sex or otherwise) is not to be used lightly nor despised. (For example, if you struggle with low self-esteem, you may not realize you have power, so pray that you see your power and ask to use it wisely)
- I ask to be willing to make amends and change my behavior.
- I ask what I should do about each issue and to meditate on the answer.
I am reminded that input from others is encouraged, but that I need to let my higher power be the final judge.
What happens if we stumble and fall back into old behaviors, does that mean the person will start abusing food again? The answer is up to each individual. We are given direction to earnestly pray and seek forgiveness from our higher power.
Definition earnest – “showing depth and sincerity of feeling”
If I am showing depth and sincerity, followed up with actions that are not harmful to others, I will probably be ok. If my approach is to beat myself up or pretend it didn’t happen, and then continue doing the same thing, I am probably going back to my addiction at some point in the future.
And finally, we are given direction for the times we are struggling. If life (sex) is troublesome we are supposed to throw ourselves at helping others.
You might have to contemplate and pray more than once. I know I do. I can be really stubborn and hold onto things. One of my more irritating tricks is to do my resentment sheet, pray the resentment prayers, feel like it deserves a checkmark, but then get to the conduct sheets only to have negative feelings bubble up again. Oh well, I’m human. Just start praying again I tell myself, and encourage you to do the same.
My sincere apologies for the length of time since my last post. I had a busy summer, and then failed to schedule writing and posting time for myself. My recovery was good, though I did pick up a couple of new/old resentments.
A friend of mine once shared an idea about picking up where you left off. She explained that if I was driving from Calgary to Winnipeg, and got a flat tire in Regina, I wouldn’t go all the way back to Calgary to fix the issue. I would fix it right there and carry on.
Last night was the kick off to our first in person convention since 2019. I listened to our speakers and was so inspired that I got out of bed early this morning, re-read this post, fixed it as well as I could, and threw it online. I will definitely need to fix it some more, but I am fixing the issue and carrying on for now.
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