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“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.” Page 69
Having (hopefully) explained how to approach the question “where was I at fault?”, we are now going to look at my approach to the question “what should I have done instead?”. This is also a challenging question to answer for people who tend to self-blame. It can be an opportunity to beat ourselves up. Instead of using this column as a way to put myself down, I try to mentally take a step back and consider how I would have liked to have acted in a situation as my best self.
I’m going to use the three examples from my previous post, adding “what I should have done instead.”
Where was I at fault with Lena? Before she had to go on leave I saw the ways she was undermining me at our weekly team meetings. I didn’t know she was maligning me behind my back, but I knew how she was trying to undermine my authority almost daily.
What should I have done instead? Dealt with the behavior directly. I could have asked HR for direction.
Where was I at fault with The Ex? I saw red flags but didn’t believe in myself enough to leave sooner.
What should I have done instead? Believed that there was someone or something better for me. Worked on my self esteem so I knew being on my own was better than being with someone who didn’t treat me well.
Where was I at fault with my son? I have catered to his anxiety therefore making it worse at times. I take his actions personally when it is really just how his brain works and has nothing to do with me. I believe my “best” isn’t good enough, and don’t acknowledge that I am trying to do better to understand what is happening neurologically.
What should I have done instead? Have patience with him and with me. Seek support for myself. Take time out so I can bring my best self to our relationship. Don’t take anything personally.
None of my answers should be blame-y or -shame-y. Yours shouldn’t either.
If I lied, then what I should have done instead is tell the truth, or not said anything (depending on the situation). If I gossiped, then I should have kept my mouth shut. If I was tired and reacted badly, I should try to take care of my needs so I’m not a grouchy bear, but also accept that I am human.
My example inventory below.
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