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“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.” page 69
Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?
This column can be challenging for people who tend to blame themselves, who have been taught that bad things were somehow their fault or who took a lot of blame whether something was their fault or not. What I should say is this column is difficult for me because I apologize for everything. “I’m sorry” could have been my mantra. Sadly, many of the women I mentor in OA are similar to me in this respect.
Because this column is challenging, let’s start by discussing the word “unjustifiably”. The definition on Google,Dictionary.com and Merriam Webster all referred to justified or justifiable, so I have also included the definition of justify to help give more meaning.
Definition – unjustifiably/unjustifiable (Merriam Webster): unable to be justified : not excusable or justifiable. (justify – to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable; to show to have had a sufficient legal reason.)
I think understanding this definition is important because I have the ability to cause bitterness, suspicion and jealousy by accident. I also have the ability to cause any of these feelings but have a reasonable cause for doing so. For example, I have to say no or speak up which can cause bitterness, but I am justified in saying no or speaking up. These are not the items we want to add checkmarks to the inventory sheet.
I want to share two stories that I hope will help explain what I am talking about. I feel it is important to understand when to check the boxes because I have worked with a lot of people who have been victimized and who tend to blame themselves just like I did.
Example 1
I went on a trip with a friend to Cuba. Prior to that trip I knew (or felt) that I was “pretty for a fat girl”. I’m Canadian, was raised in the prairie provinces in predominantly Caucasian neighborhoods by a thin, blonde Caucasian mother. I did not meet what I was taught to believe was pretty. Yet I knew I had a nice smile and that my features were even. As I have said in previous posts, I spent a lot of time single, passed over for women who did meet the requirements, therefore my belief was supported by my experiences. I was in recovery, and more than 100 pounds less than when I started OA, so I’m not sure that I qualified as “fat” outside of societal pressures, but that is the way I still saw myself.
Imagine my surprise when I landed in Cuba, where curves were absolutely adored! I felt like a movie star because men were stopping me to say hello and offering to take me out. It was crazy!
My friend is shy and tends to be introverted. I observed that the attention I was getting had an impact on her overall enjoyment of our outings.
She might have felt jealous or bitter at the time. How I address a situation like this is to ask myself:
- Did I do anything to bring more attention to myself?
- Did I say anything to belittle her?
I am able to answer no to both of those questions. I did not do anything on purpose, so I would not put any checkmarks in this situation.
Example 2
Another example, this time from the sample inventory, my conduct with “The Ex”. The relationship was abusive, and when I finally decided I was ready to leave and told my mom we agreed the best thing to do was set a date, she would get a crew, and we would get my stuff out of the house and I was not to say anything until they showed up.
I was not physically abused, but by the end of the relationship I was not allowed to hang out with friends because I might hug them which The Ex took as an indication of my sexual desire for them. The amount of time I was allowed to be with my family was strictly monitored because The Ex didn’t like them. My mom had gone through similar situations, and was frightened that the controlling behavior could flip to physically aggressive at any point. She wanted me to be safe, so I was to act like everything was normal until move out day.
I had taken Sociology and Women’s Studies in University, so I knew that people who were abused had a difficult time leaving, often changing their mind and staying. I was afraid I would not leave, so I told my closest friends my plans. By this point my closest friends were co-workers because either The Ex or I had alienated my true friends. Totally not appropriate people to be sharing this information with.
Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy? No. I never did anything on purpose that I thought would make The Ex jealous.
Did I unjustifiably arouse suspicion? No. I am sure my behavior changed when I knew I was planning to move out, therefore causing suspicion, but I was justified in wanting/needing to move out.
Did I unjustifiably arouse bitterness? Yes. Certainly with at least one co-worker who let me know she thought talking about my move out with them, but not telling The Ex, was inappropriate. With The Ex? No. My move out, and the way I did certainly caused bitterness, but looking back I still don’t see that I had any other option, so my causing the bitterness was reasonable given the circumstances.
I have filled out column three below. I added a reason to help explain how I aroused the feeling in others, but on an actual inventory I would only write the word or put a checkmark.
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