33 – Conduct – Column 1 and 2

Now it is time to start completing our lists for our conduct and harms.

“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.” page 69

Technically, column 1 should be “Where I was Selfish, Dishonest or Inconsiderate” as stated in the quoted paragraph above.  However, it makes more sense to me to start with whom, and then answering where.  Thankfully for me, my favorite sheets also start with “Whom…”, so that’s how we are going to roll.

Column 1 – Whom Did I Hurt?

I refer back to my resentment sheets to find the most troubling relationships and look at what I wrote for “selfish”, “dishonest” and “self-seeking”.  I also look at the resentments where I was not able to put a checkmark in column 4 (26 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 2).  If I don’t have a checkmark I know this resentment is one that I am unable to let go of.  I recommend adding items without a checkmark, as well as the relationships where you are most likely to get offended, hurt or angry again to the first column on your conduct forms.  

From my example resentment inventory I am going to add Lena and the mental health system. I am also going to add “The Ex” from my university days, my husband because I know I can be a jerk and my son because I struggle with being a “good” mom. 

Why am I adding Lena?  She was the one who hurt me!

I am adding Lena because:

• At the time this situation was going on, I knew I was going to have regular contact with her which meant I would probably get resentful again.
• I also wanted to shape an ideal on how to deal with people like her in the future.

Why am I adding the mental health system when it’s not a person?

• I am interacting with people who are employed by the system.  These people are fallible and not particularly interested in my situation.  I am still hurting and frustrated and I am definitely going to get angry again.
• I want to learn patience and to treat them respectfully while also advocating for my son.
• I want to learn not to take things personally.

I explained in my post 26 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 2, we have come to a point in the inventory process where we understand that “my resentments hurt me, not them.”  My job is to apply this attitude to every item I am adding to my conduct/harms inventory.

Can I put my own name on this list?

I was taught that the inventory process was to be outwardly focused, not inwardly.  I do agree with the interpretation so I haven’t put my name on my conduct list to date.  However, I have hurt myself and observe that the people I mentor through the steps harm themselves as well.  I have beaten myself up verbally, held myself to impossible standards and stayed in abusive relationships with emotionally unavailable partners.  

Having stated my preference for myself, if you do add your own name, just be mindful of the intent of this inventory.  The point is to identify harms I have caused and then to actively work on changing my behaviors and mindsets once the ideal is identified.

Column 2 – Where was I selfish, dishonest and/or inconsiderate?

Definitions

Selfish: 

• (Merriam Webster) concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.  
• (OA Dandelion) – I want the person/situation to be different than it actually is.

Dishonest: 

• (Merriam Webster) characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness  
• (OA Dandelion) – telling outright lies, not telling the truth when I should have and having expectations out of alignment with reality.

Inconsiderate: 

• (Merriam Webster) careless of the rights or feelings of others.  
• (OA Dandelion) – the actions I take or avoid taking to get what I want or change another’s behavior.

Working down the page, I write what I did that fits each category.  If a particular definition does not seem to apply, I am not going to worry about it, I am just going to keep working down the list.

Here is my example of columns 1 and 2