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The third inventory the Big Book advises us to do is about our sexual conduct. Before we start writing this series of lists I would like to discuss how I approach this inventory. I follow the directions from the book, but I also apply what I hope is the spirit of the authors’ directions. I have broken it up into four points.
Point 1 – I am not the arbiter of anyone’s sex life
On page 68 and 69 the Big Book says that human opinions run to extremes with regards to sex. They state that they want to avoid controversies, that their intent is for us to find and shape our own ideal(s).
Definition arbiter – (dictionary.com)
- a person empowered to decide matters at issue; judge; umpire.
- a person who has the sole or absolute power of judging or determining.
This section departs from the Christian ideal to a more secular point of view as the authors can be quoted as saying “We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct.” (page 69).
The Bible has clear instructions on what is right or wrong, and is clearly a judge in this matter. If you are religious and your religion has instructions then those should be the basis of your ideal. If you are not following a religion, you need to form your ideal from your values, morals, integrity and with communication with your sexual partner(s). This inventory is about addressing harms and negative behaviors. When we are not living in alignment with our values it causes negative feelings about ourselves and others (aka resentments, anxiety, fear etc).
I have strong values in this arena but it is not up to me to impose them on anyone else, nor should I allow another person to force their ideals on me. This means as someone who sponsors (mentors) others through this process, I need to remember I am helping them to find their way by having them answer the questions from the Big Book for themselves as honestly as they can. As a person doing this inventory, I need to take a good look at what harms I have committed, whether to myself or others, and correct them so that I am in alignment with my principles.
This does not mean that I stay silent if I identify a behavior that is or may be harmful when someone shares their inventory with me. To address this I raise my concern, ask for clarification and we go back to the pages in the Big Book. As well as I know the book, I do need to have a copy nearby so I can review the specific passage with them.
I will also say that I have not worked with anyone who has admitted to doing anything illegal. I feel I would have a duty to report if that were the case. The harms I have heard are more along the lines of lying, cheating on a partner, going along with something out of fear and staying in abusive relationships. Though it is difficult, I try not to give advice and not to be judgmental. This was how I felt when I gave away this part of my inventory with my sponsor, not judged and not told how to handle the problem.
Point 2 – This inventory is an extension of the Resentment Inventory
Similar to how I see the fear inventory, I feel the sex conduct inventory should be used as an extension of the resentment sheets as well as a stand alone. That means it is not unusual to have someone on the resentment list and this one. Also, this inventory can have people on it that do not appear on the resentments.
I make this interpretation from the wording on page 69 where we are asked to review our conduct over the years and ask ourselves where we had been selfish, dishonest or inconsiderate.
As I explained in my post 27 – Resentment Sheet – Column 5 on the last column of our resentment list we ask ourselves where we had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. I feel the repetition of words is on purpose. Our fear sheet addresses the items we listed under “frightened”. The conduct inventory addresses the other three, selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate (AKA self-seeking). Although self-seeking and selfish tend to be used interchangeably in our society, they do have different meanings. Selfish is the concern of my wants and needs over those of others or wanting things my way. Self-seeking/Inconsiderate is more about the actions I take to advance my needs and wants.
The conduct sheet takes those negative traits and helps a person process them more fully. We get asked what we should have done instead of acting or thinking in a way we now regret. Then we are given a prayer and meditation to help further shape our ideal. For me, I find that the prayers and meditations also help me live a more disciplined lifestyle because I use them as needed as I progress through my day, week and life.
Point 3 – I don’t apply it only to sex and sexual partners (Personal Conduct)
You may notice that I use the terms sex conduct (or inventory) interchangeably with personal conduct or harms inventory. I do this for a few reasons.
First, on a personal level, when I started in OA I was 25 and had barely dated anyone, let alone been intimate. Though I lost about 100 pounds in my first year, I still had poor self esteem and still saw myself as I had been 100 pounds heavier. I carried the belief that overweight = ugly. Whether I was ugly or not, I can definitely say that I didn’t get asked out a lot, and when I was asked out it was by men old enough to be my dad, which was a major turn off. For the first 2 or 3 years I would fill out the resentment and fear sheets, but not have anything for the sex conduct inventory.
Around the 3 year mark I realized I was essentially holding my friends hostage because I was constantly complaining about my dateless status. I realized my behavior was self centered and was damaging my relationships. So I decided to put all my friends on the sex conduct sheets because I could clearly see where I had been selfish and inconsiderate and how I had aroused bitterness. I did this intuitively and the results were amazing.
I continued using these sheets to work through any troubling relationship I had. I would take these inventories to LC, and though he was more comfortable with the inventory as explained in the Big Book, he could see it was helpful to me and so supported my efforts.
Later, I met other women who had a hard time completing the sheets because they had been victimized. It is understandably hard to put an ex that was abusive on this inventory because they understood the intent was to see how they (the victim) were at fault. I will talk about how I did this work in more detail later, before I move on to more explanations, let me reassure you, this inventory is not about blaming victims. The purpose is to understand mistakes, evaluate what I should have done instead, develop values and ideals, and then take action to live differently. This is not about blame, it is about growing beyond negative behaviors and belief patterns.
While we in OA share many behaviors in common with people in AA, we are also quite different. The Big Book was written for alcoholics. This is one of the areas I observe compulsive eaters tend not to connect with the examples given because we act out differently. If this inventory is skipped I believe an opportunity is missed to objectively analyze behaviors, thought patterns and deep help beliefs.
Having said this, using the conduct form from OABigBook.Info to deal with a boss or co-workers may feel uncomfortable because it says “Sex Conduct” at the top. So you may want to switch to the BigBookForDummies.Com sheet which is titled “Sex Conduct & Other Harms” or to use a notebook or plain piece of paper. The columns are a bit different that I will describe, but the same concepts apply.
Point 4 – The Big Book’s Sense Of Humor
The Sex Inventory how to guide is mostly on Page 69. You either get that joke or you don’t. If you don’t get it, I do not recommend doing a Google search…at least not on a work device or in a public area. 
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