I believe one reason I have experienced recovery from compulsive eating is because I have always seen my addiction as a negative entity. Not a part of me that needs nurturing and gentle care.
Please understand, as a person I need nurturing and care. My addiction does not.
I once heard a speaker refer to relapsing or going back to their addiction as being like dancing with a gorilla. I get to choose to start that dance but I do not get to choose when it ends.
I know the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) refers to our addiction as an illness of mind and body. My mind cannot let go of the idea of abusing food and always seeks ways to get the pleasure my body gets from my trigger foods and behaviors.
This is my reality when I start eating my addictive foods or engaging in my compulsive behaviors. The pleasure was shorter and shorter and followed by longer and ever worsening self-demoralization. No matter what diet I followed, how much exercise I did or how many pep-talks I gave myself I could not stop myself from chasing that illusive pleasure.
If I had viewed my addiction as anything other than a mindless beast set to the singular task of getting and abusing food I don’t think I could have been as tough with it as I needed to be. If I had seen my addiction as a wounded inner child or part of me that needed more love and attention, I would have felt the need to be gentle with it.
I took away my binge foods and behaviors with a firm ruthlessness. I did not allow myself any reason to be good enough to go back to the foods I knew I was addicted to. In my mind I likened going back those foods as being as bad a choice as purposefully doing something to hurt a good friend.
To stay in recovery I actively work the steps so I am able to live mindfully. This mindful living allows me the time for my brain to process my stressors, good and bad, and then make effective decisions on how to respond. If I need to nurture some part of myself I have the clarity of mind to know food will not help.
Leave Comment