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If you are following my posts in order, then you will have read how I write my inventory as a series lists. I work on column 1 all the way to the end of my list of resentments/anxieties/sadness etc, then I start on column 2 and work my way down that list. If I need to add more to column 1, I follow the same concept and then complete column 2, working down my lists as much as possible. Then I move on to column 3.
In column 4, I paused and considered how these negative feelings affected me. When I reflect on my resentments with Lena, the mental health system and my label of “I’m fat” I see that these negative feelings are hurting me. I say a prayer or commitment statement to help me see these things differently, to change my mindset about them. Column 4 is a series of checkmarks for the resentments where I feel I am ready to move beyond my resentment. Moving beyond my negative feelings does not mean I am willing to forgive, just that I am willing to let go of the resentment.
While working through my prayers in column 4 I have found there are times when I have said the prayer multiple times for a person or situation, but I still find I am not willing to let my anger or hurt feelings go. However, my goal is to complete step 4 without delay, so I move on to column 5 but commit to being aware of when my mind goes “there” and to actively redirect my thinking towards letting it go. I have used an orange highlighter to on my example inventory to show how I am not quite ready to let go of my resentment. My reason is this is something I am currently going through, so I am having to face it everyday. Every time it comes up, I find that I feel anger, powerless, overwhelmed, lost and frustration, I am not getting space for the feelings to mellow. In real life (January 2023) I am praying about this daily, sometimes many times a day.
Now we are at column 5. Our next instruction is to refer to our lists again and “resolutely” look for our own mistakes. I am also instructed to put the wrongdoings of others out of my mind.
Definition resolutely – “in an admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering manner”
“Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely.
Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s” Page 67
At our meetings I hear members say this column is to look at our part. I don’t understand the instructions this way. When I look for “my part” I am subconsciously saying “they” still have a part. In order for me to move beyond my resentments, and stop hurting myself, I need to put “their part” out of my mind at least for the time being. I need to focus on what I did wrong.
The following are the titles of our wrongdoings. Though I am comfortable with the following terminology, I have observed that many people I have worked with are not. We tend to be the type of people who beat ourselves up, and sometimes these words aid our natural inclination. I am going to provide some more dictionary definitions, and offer perspectives to help outline how I interpret the writers’ intentions.
We are asked to see where we have been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or frightened.
Definitions and Perspectives
Selfish
Definition: (Merriam Webster) concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
Perspective: Wishing the person/situation were different than it actually is. It’s not bad to want a person to be different when they are hurting themselves, others or myself. However, I start hurting myself when I don’t accept the situation as it is, when I squander hours worrying and/or thinking about it, when drag other people into situations by complaining or gossiping.
Dishonest
Definition: (Merriam Webster) characterized by lack of truth, honesty, or trustworthiness
Perspective: I have observed a couple of ways I act dishonestly. The first, most obvious, is telling outright lies. The others, which tend to be less obvious, are not saying something when I should and having expectations of a person or situation. Expectation of a particular behavior is not wrong, but when my expectation is out of alignment with reality I tend to get stuck and I am essentially banging my head over and over instead of accepting with reality and dealing with it. I am also dishonest when I don’t say something when I should. My motivation behind this form of dishonesty usually resides in fear.
Self-seeking
Definition: (Merriam Webster) the act or practice of selfishly advancing one’s own ends. (Google) having concern for one’s own welfare and interests before those of others; self-serving
Perspective: I have started to use the word inconsiderate when completing this column and when working with the people I sponsor. I do this mostly because of the way our language has evolved since the Big Book was written. We now use selfish interchangeably with self-seeking, but that wasn’t the case when the book was written. My sponsor, LC, used to describe self-seeking as looking for myself in others. My mind could not really compute that description, but examples he provided lead me to see it as inconsiderate. I think this one could often be categorized by the statement “if they really loved me then they would…”. My need to be liked and well thought of often comes up here as well. Selfish is wanting things different (for the best or worst of reasons) and self-seeking is my lack of inconsideration for others.
Frightened
Definition: (Merriam Webster) feeling fear : made to feel afraid. (Google) afraid or anxious.
Perspective: I find I am usually afraid that a situation will not work out the way I want to, that a person will have a poor reaction, and that the discomfort will never end.
So What’s the Point?
I find this list puts me in the center, but not in a “world revolves around me” kind of way. I am using this final column to uncover behaviors and thought patterns that cause me grief, pain and anxiety. This column was not intended to be used as a tool to beat myself up. This is meant to be an analysis so we can move beyond resentment.
I have filled out the final column in the picture below. (Click on image for a close up.)
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[…] I explained in my post 27 – Resentment Sheet – Column 5 on the last column of our resentment list we ask ourselves where we had been selfish, dishonest, […]