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If you haven’t already, please read post 25 – Resentments Column 4 Part 1. This one will make more sense when taken in context.
How Do I Live Free of Resentment?
“We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.” page 66
In my previous post, I shared the backstory of why “Lena” was on my resentment list. I feel it is a good example of a time when I had been hurt and had a case for justifiable anger. Many of us have been victimized and are justified in our anger and hurt feelings. And then we read “the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill” and that these resentments must be mastered.
Roadblock
If you are offended by the idea that the pain caused by another is somehow your fault, you are not alone. I was immediately offended that a person’s wrong-doing against me was “fancied”. I also had to work on changing my understanding of this passage as being about owning my pain, as opposed to blaming someone or something.
What I mean by the difference between owning versus blaming comes from something my longtime sponsor, LC, uses in his Big Book studies. He uses the example of being bullied in school. When a person is 10 and they are getting hurt by the bully it is not the their fault. When that victim is 20 or 30 and nowhere near that bully, but continues to replay the episodes in their mind, that pain they are reliving is brought on by themselves. The same applies to me and the example I shared about Lena. Lena was on my inventory before her leave from work, but on this resentment I had absolute knowledge of how she poisoned my workplace against me.
If I am to live free of my addiction, however, I have to own the pain I am causing myself.
How? The suggestion the Big Book provides is that we try to see the person as spiritually sick. In my own practice, I am comfortable with the term spiritually sick, but also acknowledge mental illness, active or untreated addiction, brokenness and, more recently, just an average human as well.
I Don’t Have to Like Them
I do not have to like them, or embrace them. I just need to see that they are perhaps not well.
I once gave away an inventory to a woman who had not read the Big Book and she told me I was being judgemental when I referred to someone as spiritually sick. If you see these labels as judgemental, please keep reading, because that is not the intention.
On page 67, we are encouraged to see that they, like ourselves, were also sick. By seeing the people who have victimized us as also having some sort of sickness, we are attempting to find compassion so we can let go of the anger.
Letting go of anger here does not mean I forgive them. It may be that someone has done something unforgivable. Forgiveness is completely different from letting go of negative feelings. Quite frankly, at this point in my inventory, armed with my justifiable anger, forgiveness is off the table. It’s ok if you are not ready to forgive either.
OMHP – Now I Have To Pray?!
We are going to see the words “we asked” a number of times over the next few pages. Every time you see it, it means stop and talk to your HP. It is framed as a prayer, which is simply a solemn request to your understanding of a higher power. From here, I will use the words prayer, request or conversation interchangeably.
The prayer is that we cheerfully grant the wrong-doer patience, tolerance and pity as we would a friend who was sick (like with a bad cold, cancer or broken leg). As my best self, I would not be angry or try to get back at my sick friend.
The prayers we are given are meant as guidelines, so if you are not a fan of the wording, change the words. The idea is to stick with the sentiment. When I pause to say this prayer I have found it has more meaning when I say “Please let me see them as spiritually sick rather than a jerk.” For me, it adds a bit of humor, and I find that helps me let it go. They might actually be a jerk, but I am going to try and take the high road and allow them some compassion.
Column 4 of our inventory is to have a conversation with my HP over each item on my list. We make a solemn request to let go of our negative feelings in a way that makes sense to ourselves.
Check. Check. No Check
For Lena, I will say “God, please let me see Lena as spiritually sick and not a bi%ch.”
For “I’m Fat” I will say “Please let me see myself as worthy and the way someone who loves me sees me.”
For “The Mental Health System” I usually have a specific interaction in mind, so I try to picture the person/people and say the prayer as is. Other times, it is just the whole system, so I say something like “Please let me have patience with them and myself as I navigate this system.”
I don’t have to like it or them, but I am going to work on taking a kindly and tolerant view.
As I say this prayer I check in with myself and see if I am willing to let the negative feeling go. If I am, I put a check mark in the fourth column. If not, I move to the next resentment. Once through all the resentments, I start back on page one and say the prayer for everything without a checkmark.
If this is your first time doing step 4, if you have a really deep resentment that you are just not willing to let go, move forward with the rest of your inventory anyways but double down on the prayer for that person/institution/principle. Try to be aware when the negative feelings bubble up, then try to stop and express the request to let it go, to be free from it.
Right now, my husband and I are trying to get assistance for our son. I can let go of my anger with the mental health system and will be doing fine for days, weeks or months. Suddenly we will get a call (or won’t get a call), and I find myself right back in the middle of the anger. Sometimes I have to pause 5 or 6 times in a day for 15-30 seconds, asking to be released from the anger and frustration. Then I carry on, doing what needs to be done. I’m not perfect and admit that falling back into my old habits is easier than living mindfully. Grant yourself some forgiveness if this happens to you too.
I will say it a again, I do not have to like them or the way they affect me, but I do need to be free of my resentments towards them. My anger kills me. My hurt feelings and shame only hurt me. When I retaliate, I feel bad, and then I hate myself.
I need to be free of my negative feelings so I can stop hurting myself. There is a direct correlation between my need to soothe with food and the amount of resentments that are allowed to run around in my head.
For these examples, I am going to have check marks for my resentments with “Lena” and “I’m Fat”, but will leave the “Mental Health System” unchecked because it is current and unresolved for me.
(Click on image for a close up.)
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33 – Conduct – Column 1 and 2 – OA Dandelion
[…] I also look at the resentments where I was not able to put a checkmark in column 4 (26 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 2). If I don’t have a checkmark I know this resentment is one that I am unable to let go of. I […]