25 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 1

*** There are multiple ways of doing a fourth step inventory.  I try to follow the instructions in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous” to the best of my understanding.  This is also how I mentor people.  The point of step 4 is to uncover the things in our lives that cause us troubles and end up sending us back to food abuse.*** 

If you are reading my posts in order, then you will have seen how I completed the first three columns as a set of lists.  On my inventory resentments can be anger and grudges, but it can also be any negatively impacting feeling that keeps recurring in my life, such as shame and anxiety.  

“When we were finished we considered it carefully.”  (page 65)

I have explained that we should complete each column separately, working down the page.  I have observed that some people work across the page, and though they may feel better having given the inventory away, they miss two important aspects.  The first thing they miss is the opportunity to pause and consider their resentments and how they affect them.  The second thing they miss is seeing their negative patterns and behaviors.  If you have worked across the page in the past, I invite you to try it like a series of lists.

In the transition from Step 2 to Step 3 I became aware that self-will was a negative driving force in my life, and had to become open to the idea that my response to life was the root of my troubles.  In my post 19 – Hard Truth I shared an example of when I stubbornly did what I wanted despite my husband’s multiple requests, thereby causing strife in our relationship.  In that example I was actually trying to be helpful, the problem was my husband did not feel I was being helpful.  When I pause to consider the first three columns of my inventory I have a series of lists in front of me where I see over and over again how I am in conflict in almost every area of my life.  

In my example inventory, I have listed “Lena” (fictitious name), the principle/belief of “I’m fat” and the mental health system as an institution.  These are all true examples of things that I have either worked through, or am currently working on.  

I will start with “Lena”.  I managed the team that Lena was on.  I was hired after the team was already in place.  I won the position because of my background in training and process improvement, but I did not have any experience managing properties.  Lena believed I was not competent and said so to me during my first week on the job.  She was difficult to deal with as she was careful not to be insubordinate, but challenged my directions and questioned my decisions..  About 6 months after I started, Lena’s child was struck with a life threatening illness resulting in her taking a leave of absence from work.  Despite my feelings about our troubled working relationship I started preparing meals that I would drop off at her house, and also checked in on her and her family.

After she was gone a little over a month I noticed that the rest of my team started responding to me better, came to me for directions more often and generally seemed more at ease with me.  Not long after that one of our maintenance managers said “You are completely different than what people have said about you.”  (I would also like to note he realized what he said almost immediately and basically would not say what he had heard about me.)  Around 3 months after Lena was on leave one of my team members asked if we could have a private conversation away from the office.  During our meeting she told me how Lena would talk behind my back before she went on leave, and that she wanted me to be aware because it would likely start again once Lena returned to work.  By this point I had basically figured that out anyways.

Essentially, while Lena was at work and able to poison the environment, people listened to her and were careful and cold in their dealings with me.  Within a short time of her not being around, people realized what she said was not true and they were warming up to me.  

I did not like her, and I was justified.  

The First Thing Apparent

Pre-OA I would never have considered that I was causing myself more pain, anxiety or sadness.  I would come to the conclusion that Lena was the jerk and leave it at that.  Most of us would likely come to the same conclusion.  The problem with this way of thinking is that I would stay stuck in my negative thoughts about her by having imaginary fights and complaining about her to my friends and husband. 

On page 66 we read “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.”  

I have listed my grudges, anxieties and sadness; I have listed why I have them, and I have listed how they affect me.  When I deeply consider these lists I need to open my mind to the idea that accommodating these thoughts is useless and will only bring me more sadness.  In the same paragraph we read that we wasted hours on our negative thoughts, hours that we could have spent more usefully.  

“…this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal.”   (page 66)

I have commended my sponsor, LC, for giving me the ability to see my problem with food was life or death.  Having that gift allows me to read the words “grave” and “fatal” and apply it to my own life.  In step 1, I saw I was killing myself slowly with food abuse.  At step 4, I see that I am also killing myself with negative thoughts and feelings because I use food to soothe, celebrate, isolate and punish myself.  My experience with my friends in the fellowship is they use food for the same reasons.

An AA speaker, Scott L, refers to this section of the Big Book as the death threats.  The words I refer us to are found over three paragraphs on page 66.  They are:

Grave – definition – a place of burial for a dead body…

Fatal – definition – causing death

Die – definition – (of a person, animal, or plant) stop living

Poison – definition – a substance that is capable of causing the illness or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed

Kill – definition – cause the death of (a person, animal, or other living thing)

“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger.”  (page 66)

How do I get myself free of anger?  I might say I’m not angry or hurt, but deep down I am angry and hurt.  I can say I will not shame myself, or beat myself up or plan my retaliation.  The problem I have is I fall back into the same rut over and over despite my best intentions.

The Big Book points out that I am dominated by my resentments.  I am ruled by my thoughts about other people; by my perceptions of the things they say and do.  I need to be honest that I allow people, my perceptions of institutions and principles to be the BOSS of me.  

I also had to admit that I was fighting to be the boss and it was not working.  This cycle was as bad as the addiction drain, and it was killing me by inches by stealing joy while I wasted hours wallowing in anger, self-pity, stress and shame.

These negative feelings must be overcome.  How?

That is what the next post will discuss.