In the post “16 – And This Is Why…” I explained that we are entering a period in the steps where we need to be tough with ourselves and we needed to know we were not horrible people while going through it. We have a culture where we prefer to use softer words and try to avoid self-blame. Pages 60 – 63 are a huge turnoff for many because the language is direct and it requires us to understand and accept some hard truths about ourselves.
What does the Big Book mean when it says we need to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power?
#1 – Quit Playing God
First, it says, we need to be convinced that we can no longer run our lives by self-will.
The definition of self-will is “the quality of obstinately doing what one wants in spite of the wishes or orders of others.” I haven’t worked with anyone who wants to admit that they are either not in control or that they haven’t done a good job. I didn’t want to either. I like to see myself as a nice person, not obstinate..
The authors explain that living by self-will means we are almost always at odds with something or someone. Sometimes our motives are meant to be helpful, other times we just want something to go our own way. When we live with our own self-concern as the center what usually ends up happening is situations backfire and we are left thinking the other person is nuts or unappreciative.
Here is an example. I was a volunteer fitness instructor for about 6 years before I met my husband. I taught all the way through my pregnancy, and a little during my maternity leave. When I went back to work I had to give up volunteering, but still wanted to workout. My husband and I made a schedule for my workout time. During this time he was trying to get his web-programming business going which meant he worked his day job Monday to Friday, and then put in hours every evening and weekend.
I felt bad every time I left for my Saturday gym time because the time we agreed ended up being the time our little guy was awake. To be helpful I regularly decided not to go for my Saturday workout. This drove my husband nuts and I was completely at a loss as to why. As far as I was concerned he should have been grateful.
He explained to me that he planned his work based on our agreement, so when I decided not to go, it was a source of frustration. He did not explain at first, but I have since found out that he knew when I gave up my workout I would expect repayment at some unknown point in the future. This made it impossible for him to plan and difficult to live with me when he did not repay my “kindness”.
I put myself at odds with my husband, and countless others, when trying to help because my “help” wasn’t helping.
The book goes on to explain that when things don’t go the way we want them, the next time we try to be more gracious or demanding (depending on our personality or the situation). When it still doesn’t work out we become “angry, indignant, self-pitying”. (Page 61) When other people try to control or direct me I hate it, and the book points out that is what is happening when I try to control other people. “Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”
I put myself in a position to have hurt feelings because I continued to “help” by not going to the gym when I said I would after my husband and I talked about it. I made a decision based on self-will. I obstinately chose to continue skipping workouts despite our agreement and my husband’s expressed wishes. My feelings would be hurt because he would be grumpy and uncommunicative plus I missed my workout.
#2 – Let Your Higher Power Be In Charge
My best efforts and intentions brought me to a place where I was over 300 pounds and in some type of conflict with almost everyone in my life (real or imagined). My anger, indignation and self-pity made me search for the consolation I found in food. I could check out of a situation, stuff my feelings and self-isolate to deal with my problems. The major issue was that food did not solve any of the problems.
Most simply put, Step 3 is a commitment to get through the rest of the steps. We are promised that when we follow through on the commitment we will become less self-involved and more interested in what we can contribute to life. When we see we can deal with life and solve problems successfully we do not need to use food to console ourselves.
“…this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.” (Page 62).
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25 – Resentments – Column 4 Part 1 – OA Dandelion
[…] had to become open to the idea that my response to life was the root of my troubles. In my post 19 – Hard Truth I shared an example of when I stubbornly did what I wanted despite my husband’s multiple […]