I am purposefully saying that the problem I have with food centers in my brain rather than saying in my mind. I have experienced and observed when someone says “it’s all in your mind” the statement is meant to dismiss whatever information is being presented.
My second sponsor not only gave me the gift of taking the way I abused food seriously, but showed me how I was killing myself by inches. I have permission to take my relationship to food seriously, not just dismiss it as a lack of willpower. I might joke about some of my odd behaviors, but deep in my heart I know my illness is as serious as a drug or alcohol addiction.
Our literature explains that we have a two fold illness, physical reaction (called an allergy) and having a fixated brain (called the mental obsession).
I am learning that my physical/addictive reaction is not that special. Most of the foods I consider myself addicted to are high in sugar, salt or fat. The worst of those foods have combinations of two or all three of these ingredients. That means most things in a crinkly bag, packaged and homemade dessert items and most items off fast food menus are my “trigger” foods. These items affect typical people the same way they do me, they are designed to be so tasty that people overeat them, and usually wants more of them.
Physical Reaction
There are a couple of differences between typical eaters and me. The first, they may overeat but they are able to stop and do not have the same fixation on getting more like I do. They stop by throwing out the food, moving away from the buffet table, and not stopping to buy it at the store. In OA, I have heard stories of people pulling food out of the garbage, moving away from the buffet table only to leave the party and pick more food up on the way home, and making special trips to stores to get more of these foods.
Once a particular food is in my body, or I engage in one of my compulsive eating behaviors, I don’t know when I will be willing to stop.
I have physically felt withdrawal symptoms for up to 7 days. To me, this means I could be experiencing the physical reaction to my specific foods days after I ingested something that triggered me. After about 10 days of not eating my addictive foods, however, my body should no longer be physically craving anything (normal hunger is not a craving).
Food Obsession
This is where the obsessive thinking kicks in, and the second way I am different from typical eaters. The physical response caused me to eat until I felt sick, ashamed and disgusted with myself. When I came into OA I had abused food to the point where I was over 300 pounds and barely fit behind the wheel of my car. I was able to follow diets for weeks or even months at a time. Despite knowing better, I always found a reason to pick up that dessert, bag of chips, or drive-through meal. My brain always found a reason or excuse.
Our literature tells us this is our real problem. The problem centers in our brains rather than our bodies. In the Big Book it is referred to as the obsession.
The definition I found for obsession says “an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind” Along with the definition I found the following example – “he was in the grip of an obsession he was powerless to resist”.
My brain is working against reason and intelligence. I can be months away from having one of my trigger foods, I might finally be fitting in my jeans better and out of nowhere my brain says “you can stop at one serving”. I might ignore the thought at first, but it keeps popping up until it becomes a focal point. My mind feels like it is screaming at me; I use the word scream because it is impossible for me to ignore.
The Addiction Drain
I have already explained that once I eat one of my foods or practice a compulsive behavior, I don’t know when I will be able to stop. I will grant I am able to stop at one serving sometimes, but I have never been able to do so consistently. What is consistent, however, is that once ingested, I am guaranteed to be eating more and more within a few weeks, usually days.
I have found all kinds of information on the “addiction cycle”, but in my life it is not only cyclical, it keeps getting worse. I have started calling it the addiction drain.
Once back into my addiction I am feeling the physical effects and lack the ability and/or willingness to stop. Even though I feel disgusted with myself, I also feel peace and ease.
My addiction centers in my brain. If I could just stay stopped I would never experience physical addiction. My problem is I cannot stay stopped because my brain keeps telling me I can manage it this time, and gets louder and louder until I give in.
I have observed that we come into OA believing we are bad with food and lack strength of character.
Step 1 does not say – We admitted we were weak willed. I do not respond to food the way the average person does – physically or mentally. That is not weakness, that is a two-fold illness.
One gift my Big Book sponsor gave to me was understanding the true nature of my illness. He prepared me to do battle with my addiction, thus allowing me to go to any lengths to find recovery.
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